The Very Secret Diaries YGO Style
by Radioactive Ferret
Summary: You've read the original diaries by Cassandra Claire, so here they are again... for the cast of YGO. Original credit to Cassandra, I own nothing.
1. Yuugi

Okay, this was on my old account, so if you've seen it before... well, there you have it. Yeah, well, this is a somewhat parody of The Original Very Secret Diaries. We own nothing. Cassandra Claire owns the original idea. This is sick and weird. Read at your own risk. These are all in dub names because I can't remember the Japanese ones, and when I wrote this, no one else did either. Also, some of those dub things just sound so wrong when you think about it...

#1: The very secret diary of Yugi Motou

Day one:

Tèa took a new job as a stripper. Apparently trying to save money for bartending college. She tied me and Joey up and said she'd properly castrate us if we breathed one word of it to anyone. Hmmm. very strange as I never figured she was that type of girl.

Day two:

I wonder what's in this shiny box… Oooh! It's a puzzle! What fun!

Day three:

There's a voice in my head… Now have sudden urge to study Egyptian history. Will not be easy, as have seen Seto Kaiba lurking around those areas. He's dressing like a hippie now and saying something about inner self. yawn boring.

Day ten:

Read some books on Egypt. They say something about realm of shadows'. I think that's where babies come from. I mean, before they're born. Before they exist. Their origin. Y'know, like the steamy-windowed room in the kinky medieval torture chamber with the whips, chains and handcuffs… Holy shit, did I say that out loud?

Day twenty-six:

Was watching porn with the guys until Tèa (slut!) and Grandpa (old tart!) came in. Tristen, luckily, saw them before they saw us so I quickly changed the channel to some card game tournament. Think it was bingo. Really wish Joey wouldn't sit so close to me. It's starting to creep me out.

Day twenty-seven:

Damn this puzzle! Now have to compete in a duel monsters tournament to get Gramps' soul back from freaky gay-looking creep who kinda resembles Ryou Bakura. Who gives a fuck? Old geezer can rot in hell for all I care. Then Tèa said she'd tell everyone about the porno magazines under my bed if I didn't go. Prima Donna slutty bitch is gonna find herself dead in a sewer before long.

Day 29:

Ugh. Hate boats. Am horribly seasick. Joey keeps wanting to play some game that involves shot glasses and extremely potent liquor. Gave him my Time Wizard card and told him to get the hell away from me.

Day 30:

That little bastard bug-boy THREW MY CARDS over the side of the SHIP! Will wring his damn neck!

Later

Was held back by slutty Tèa, stupid Joey, and desperate-for-a-date' Tristan. Don't know what Tèa and Tristan are doing here. Joey said something about his sister's failing vision. Bull Shit! I stopped by his place a few months back to give him the homework he missed and saw him with those magazines! Was quite arousing in a weird way--- grrr. Damn puzzle.

Day 31:

Was that Ryou having hot passionate sex behind the tree with Tèa? Naah, must be imagining it.

Day 32:

Ok, maybe I wasn't seeing things… Ryou really _is_ here, and man oh man has he gotten more perverted than when I last saw him! Kept making suggestive comments like pick a card, any card' and stuff like that. Also ran into Mai, that supposed virgin duelist… or was it Amazon… Well, virgin' my ass! She's an even bigger slut than Tèa! Mai's hotter, though, if ya ask me…

Day 33:

It is official! There is someone else living in my head! Guy calls himself Yami'. Also, I think Bakura swings the same way as Joey, as he was getting v. possessive and tried to kill Yami. Huge fight over some bad breakup about 5000 years ago. Honestly, histrionic.

Day 41 (morning):

Joey woke me up this morning saying either "Me n Kaiba fucked the Blue Eyes White Dragon in a heated three-way" or "I had this dream where Kaiba sicked his blue eyes on me and called me a scared little puppy dog." Hope it's the latter…

Later…

We are trapped in a dark, dank, and hopefully deserted cave. Ryou keeps trying to get Tèa away from the rest of us and still keeps making more suggestive comments like Let's try and move the rock.' Getting very annoyed.

Even later…

Have met two bald stoners in the middle of the cave. They said something about us trespassing on their secret opium den and that we must be executed, but luckily they were so fucked up that they didn't notice when we snuck out the back exit.

Day 41(noon):

Ran into Seto Kaiba on the steps to Pegasus's castle. He said he had to _/censored due to extremely disturbing and graphic sexual images/ _Pegasus in order to get his brother's soul back. I asked him why he was telling me that, and why he wasn't _/censored due to extremely disturbing and graphic sexual images/_ing the bugger now. He said he had to _/censored due to extremely disturbing and graphic sexual images/ _ME before he _/censored due to extremely disturbing and graphic sexual images/ _HIM! I told him to fuck off, and he said that was exactly what he planned on doing. I refused again, and this time he said he'd jump off the wall if I didn't. Told him I really don't care, you rat bastard.' Then Tèa brought up the subject of the porno magazines under my bed…

Damn that saucy wench!

Later…

Oh gods, I am scarred for life.

Day 41 (night):

Saw Tristan and Ryou walk into Tèa's room a few minutes ago… eek, no, baaaaad Yugi! must not have dirty thoughts must not have dirty thoughts must not have dirty thoughts… oh bloody hell, just this once… or twice…


	2. Yami

Okay, nothing much here, except the millennium eye quote on the last entry is by silver-dagger-113. Sorry, silver, but it was too funny! - Don't hurt me…

#2 The Very Secret Diary of Pharaoh Atem aka Yami!

Day one:

Hmm, what's this shiny puzzle thingy?

Day twenty-five:

Set being a real jackass. Found some weird rod and suddenly thinks _he_ rules Egypt. Right, I don't think so.

Day twenty-seven:

Uh… I seem to be in some very dark place between alternate worlds that might exist. I think that's a bad thing…

Day 1,825,021:

So sooo bored… Perhaps I will go visit the tomb robber…? naaah, he's probably still angry bout that… incident… awhile back. I forget how long I've been in this hellhole! … and I forgot why I'm even here! … and who exactly _is_ this tomb robber? More importantly, who the hell am I?

Day 1,825,026:

Met some strange kid named Yugi. Cute kid. Have decided to help him win his grandfather's soul back from Pegu… Pegsy… Pegsu… Aw, what the fuck! The guy with the weird eye! I don't see how a round of bingo settles anything. Back in Egypt, we used to have to watch the Dark Magician Girl and the Mystical Elf bitch-slap each other naked in a pool of whipped cream! Whichever spectator… um… _lasted_ longest won! Now THAT was a true test of strength!

Day 1,825,030:

Yugi's finally realized that I exist. Took him long enough.

Day 1,825,031:

Oooohhh, so THAT'S who the tomb robber is! Um, just a shot in the dark, but I'd say he's pissed. He made the others dress up as Duel Monsters and fight whatever creatures he summoned. Brings back another memory of someone dressed as the Celtic Guardian kneeling at his feet… Now remember reason of breakup: his Duel Monster fetish!

Day 1,825,035: (morning)

There are two bald stoner circus clowns holding us hostage in an underground maze. Weird. They were so fucked up that all I had to do was throw a penny at their heads and it sent them snoring like 2-year-olds. Hn. Infidels.

Day 1,825,035: (noon)

**DAMN THAT SETO KAIBA HIPPIE MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A RABID BITCH TO HELL!** No one makes MY hikari _/censored due to extremely disturbing and graphic sexual images/_ them against his will! …except me. - not that he objects…

Day 1,825,035: (night)

Ok, seriously, Kaiba needs to have and/or _get_ a life. Maybe he needs a new hobby… or hobbit… Mokuba's still growing (I think!) and Yugi… well, he kinda belongs to ME! (Damn Kaiba to HELL!) Also, has anyone else noticed how Kaiba's twice as tall as everyone? It must be hard for him to find a girl who's the same height as he is! Gasp! Maybe THAT'S why he's so bitter!

Day 1,825,036:

Some turban-wearing freak came into MY room and started wavin' his shiny gold key around screaming "Return the Millennium Eye or I shall poke yours out!" Eh, is it just me, or is that just a _bit _peculiar? Anyways, left him to his search. I think I remember this guy from somewhere… Ra damn it, WHY must all the ex's come back to haunt me?


	3. Marik

#3 The Very Secret Diary of Marik Ishtar

Day one:

Isis finally says she'll let me see a strip show! She said "Father wishes to preserve the modesty of your mind but personally I think he's a jackass so I'll take you anyways". I have the coolest sister!

Day two:

Um, I didn't know she meant letting me see _her_ strip…

Day three:

Father saw Isis doing Rishid, and was then going to punish him by removing him of his infidel self. Y'know, like a stallion stripped of his pride… Yeeeaaah… Part of me was laughing, but the other part picked up a shiny gold rod and whacked father over the head with it. Ha ha! Who's grounded now, you old fruit?

Later…

Woke up about twenty minutes later with a shiny gold rod in my hand. Dunno what happened.

Day 29:

Got a cool tattoo on my back! Booyah! I must say, life without parental supervision kicks ASS! Woohoo!

Day 55:

Learned nifty trick with Millennium Rod! If I whack people hard enough in the head with it, they start acting reeeeaaaaalllllly weird and saying "yeeeessss, master Marik…" in eccentric monotonous voices.

Day 56:

Met a strange cult called the GHOULS. They swore "eternal allegiance, master Marik". Well, actually, the only strange thing about them is that they all wear pink g-string thongs and sequined bras… And those are the _guys_!

Day 57:

Death to the Pharaoh! Um, that was random…

Day 58:

Have decided to go on extended boat trip to Domino City. Go me!

Day 60:

Am getting sick of water.

Day 61:

Found more fun things to do with the Millennium Rod! Hehehehe… very fun things…

Day 62:

Ok, where did all the Doritos go?

Day 63:

Grrr, Rishid ate my Doritos! Dammit. Will blow off some steam by beating the Pharaoh at that game he likes so much. I think it's bingo… But I get to name my prize if I win! Heheheh and I know _exactly_ what's gunna be my little prize…

Later

Ok, _now_ I'm mad! I had him beat! I swear I did! I must've lost concentration when controlling Keith! But hey, if the Pharaoh hadn't been wearing those chains and tight-fitting pants I-- oops… heh… Stupid Pharaoh. Thinks he's better than me. Wonder how he'd feel with the Millennium Rod shoved up his-- Dammit, stupid Pharaoh!

Day 70:

Man, what _is_ it with these GHOUL guys? I say "beat the Pharaoh in a duel" but they go and challenge others that don't even remotely resemble the Pharaoh! Dumbasses!

Day 73:

Ok, THAT was shit! I would've beaten the Pharaoh and had him as my own… I mean, the PUZZLE, but little miss Seto Kaiba had to come by and threaten me with some… ehm… forbidden information. Isis must know what I'm up to. Stupid sister. Stupid Kaiba. And speaking of Kaiba, I swear that nutter has hit peak insanity! He's using phrases like "totally" and "peace, man". Guh… he's a crazy rat for sure.


	4. Seto

#4 The Very Secret Diary of Seto Kaiba

Day 1:

I lead a boring life… Maybe I should do something drastic, like… hnnnnn, become a hippie! I'll do that!

Day 2:

Replaced all the wood floor with shag carpet and painted the cars with peace signs. Mokuba says I'm weird. Well screw him.

Day five:

Now have new wardrobe! Tie-dye shirts and bell bottoms! Asked Mokuba what he thought. He just shook his and said under his breath "I swear, I was switched at birth!"

Day seven:

Mokuba now complaining loudly that I'm making him look bad at school. Hmm, must be the lack of flower power beads. Mental note: beads and pendant.

Day 10:

Getting very weird looks at school. Can't imagine why.

Day 11:

Ran into Yugi at school today. Damn, for some reason, he's startin' to really turn me on. He started laughing when I entered the classroom. Man, that laugh of his makes shivers run down my spine!

Day 12:

Went over to Yugi's place this afternoon, but was instead greeted by a rather large dog. Hmm, I always thought Yugi was allergic to dogs… Oh, wait, no, that's his grandpa. Is his grandpa a hippie too?

Day 13:

Ran into Yugi again at the library, but he seemed kinda out of it. Since when was he into Egyptian mythology? He needs peace and love! I can give im both!

Day 16:

Little brother now gone missing! I, like, totally think those meanies working here took him! Will totally get him back!

Day 17:

Road trip! Yay!

Day 25:

Met Pegusus today. He's got a perty card with Mokuba's picture on it! Then he said he has Mokuba's soul and that I can have it back if, and only if, I _/censored due to extremely disturbing and graphic sexual images/_ him. Am highly considering it. But he said I'd have to practice with Yugi first… What to do?


End file.
